Healing From The Abuse of the Narcissist Parent
THEY SAY YOUR PARENT IS AWESOME. YOU KNOW DIFFERENT AND ARE CONFUSED.
THIS IS COVERT, MALIGNANT PARENTAL NARCISSISM.
It's not just self-centered. It's not just vanity. It's not just ego.
It's virtually undetectable by others. It's predatory parenting crafted to appear like love. And it's long-lasting abuse.
FOO FIGHTERS - THE PRETENDER
"What if Say I will never surrender"
The one video you need to see to understand this highly abusive disorder.
DEALING WITH THE COVERT NARCISSIST PARENT
Parents with narcissist disorders often construct a facade as being an angel. Behind closed doors they are extremely emotionally and psychologically abusive.
They may be the perfect mom or dad to the outside to hide their crimes and what they are. Behind closed doors, they systematically employ insidious or extreme methods of manipulation, crazy-making, dependency, identity theft of their children, and egregious attacks on their co-parents.
Parents with covert narcissist disorders blame always. They deny their actions as if they never happened. At one moment, they sound completely rational and can appear to be model parents. But when feeling criticized or contested, they create massively illogical, abusive attacks and stories that make you the bad person, and they always make themselves the victim no matter how abusive or bizarre their actions.
Covert narcissists cause long-lasting injury to unsuspecting children who just want to be loved with no ulterior motive. They may be monsters at one moment, then they may live through you and make you a reflection of them. You may feel you are loved one moment, and merely their tool the next. It may feel like too little love, or too much love.
But what it is is a love that doesn't feel real or genuine - because covert narcissists are severely emotionally undeveloped. They don't love like normal people. Most cannot love at all, they can only simulate it until something triggers their true monstrous nature.
Covert narcissists are soccer moms. High-achiever dads. PTA moms. Priests and lawyers. Community activists. Tiger moms. Self-help gurus. And everything in between. The covert and malignant narcissist parent shows little true remorse, although she/he may often appear (for awhile) as remorseful or even a savior-figure. He or she may be highly loving, high-performing, deeply compassionate and even altruistic - but when the rage kicks in these all go away. Narcissistic supply is their constant need for admiration and attention.
A narcissist parent is like drug pusher creating emotional addiction to them. It's virtually impossible to see from the outside, hard to diagnose and thus is virtually untreatable. Sadly, your narcissist parent is probably not fixable. You can't control their disorder, but you can control your life.
Does your parent remind you of this deluded gaslighting narcissist?
The beauty of me is that I’m very rich.
I think the only difference between me and the other candidates is that I’m more honest and my women are more beautiful.
My IQ is one of the highest — and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure; it’s not your fault.
You know, it really doesn’t matter what the media write as long as you’ve got a young, and beautiful, piece of ass.
(Playing the humility card to deny guilt) I Never Said I’m a Perfect Person
(His crazy is important, yours are mere distractions) - This Is Nothing More Than a Distraction From the Important Issues We’re Facing Today
(Other people's hurt is minimized) - This Was Locker Room Banter
SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL
Mental and personality disorders are no laughing matter, and of course are deserving of sympathy, understanding, kindness and help by professionals and us.
Covert, malignant narcissism and NPD are disorders of a very special breed, however. While the seeds of the narc's disorder lies in abuse and neglect from childhood, the evolution of the narc into adulthood is the transition into the raging monster in angel's wings. She/he may appear shy and extremely kind and generous and doting. This is the bait.
Covert and malignant narcissists are widely recognized as virtually untreatable and unfixable. Their innocent unknowing children are their perfect prey. While talk therapy, CBT and other efforts can help regulate the maladaptive narcissist, the chances of the monster narcissist seeing truth in themselves and seeking help for it are extremely rare. Why would someone who thinks they are powerful, omniscient and ideal ever need to seek help? In fact, they'll go to great, brutal lengths to convince you that it's you that has the disorder. Thus, the viciousness of the malignant narcissist in our neighborhoods goes unchecked, untreated and undiagnosed.
Sympathy for what created this monster? That's exactly what the narcissist wants you to feel, and he/she will exploit your sympathy to all ends of the earth until he/she decides to discard or destroy you - even her/his own children. Thus do not have sympathy for the devil --- get help and support from a family member, a teacher and counselor. Stay away, don't take the bait, get help on how to keep firm boundaries, and if you can go NO CONTACT altogether, that, sadly, is the only solution. You can't help a malignant narcissist who won't help themselves. Get help, protect yourself and your family.
IS IT LOVE OR SUPPLY?
Every child is born to run,
Though her mother tells her to crawl.
Every child is born to love,
Though his father builds him a wall.
The narcissist parent on the block isn't just fodder for gossip over the backyard fence. He or she is committing long-lasting hurt on a child. Narc parents and NPD mentally ill parents interrupt and steal healthy childhood development, using their kids to prop up their deep lack of self-confidence and image. If they can't control you, they'll try to control how others see you. They may call you crazy. They blame you, when the problem is them. Making sense of them in an argument can be crazy-making. Life may feel strange, volatile and crazy.
Sometimes a narc parent's actions look like love...until it doesn't. To them love is actually "supply". Narcissist parents feed on the love supply from their children. Sometimes it feels good, but when there's a trigger that taps into the parent's deep insecurity, the parent can take a severe turn for the worse. This is about control, because the parent feels out of control inside. The narcissist parent is prone to brutal outbursts, vicious rage and complete breakdown of emotional regulators when they feel threatened or criticized. We know it's incredibly confusing and damaging for a young person who needs consistency, love, accountability, confidence and support.
CON is more than advocacy and help for children of this epidemic. It's a wake up call for parents to look into the eyes of our neighbors, their children, young adult victims and to look at ourselves. CON is an effort to bring together psychiatrists, psychologists, teachers, community leaders and the heroes and victims of NPD to surface this highly controversial and abusive epidemic of the estimated 6 million + extreme malignant narcissist abusers around the globe.
WE C U. HN.
BORN TO RUN. NOT RUN AWAY.
How do you spot a narcissist parent? The answer is that you probably can't. That's why malignant narc abuse is so insidious. Narc parents are masters of rehearsed illusion. They cross all classes and profiles. Middle-Class and affluent parents are a top demographic of Narcissistic Abuse of Children.
Covert narcissists are nearly impossible to see. They're masters of disguise, deflection and deception. Often times, the covert is the most charming, loving PTA parent on the block - and just as dangerous, vampiric and conscienceless behind closed doors.
YOUNG ADULTS OF NARCISSISTIC PARENTS
Intercepting narcissistic parents is crucial because narcissistic childhoods often live on into adulthood. As they saying goes, young adults go into therapy to recover from the person who needs therapy. It's important to understand the narc's motives. The narc parent wants co-dependency, lack of identity and independence, shame and guilt for their kids. As a result, adults of narcs struggle with relationships, friendships, their careers, their families and becoming their own parent. Sometimes the child of a narc even becomes a narc to compensate.
If you are a young adult child of a narcissist, therapy to relieve co-dependent needs is a large step to self-love. Setting firm boundaries with the narc parent is essential to defuse their controlling manipulation and protect yourself. And sadly, sometimes "no contact" is the only solution to managing a narcissistic parent.
WE LIVE IN THE AGE OF NARCISSISM
From 2002 to 2007, college students' scores on the Narcissistic Personality Inventory (NPI) rose twice as fast as 1982 and 2006.
According to a National Institute of Health study, only 3% of people over 65 had ever experienced Narcissistic Personality Disorder (the clinical severe mental illness version of Narcissism), compared to nearly 10% of people in their twenties. i.e. The number is rising and continuing to rise.
The increase in narcissism was stronger in studies from 1982 - 2006 for women than for men in both datasets.
WHAT YOU CAN DO
As a child or young adult child of a narcissist parent, life can be extremely confusing, disturbed, hurtful, angry and deeply scarring. Parental love is vital at all ages, and the tragedy is that so many parents are not equipped or choose not to learn the importance of their words and actions. We are an immature society of adults in arrested development, and our children suffer for it.
Boundaries. Boundaries. The young adult child of a narc parent sadly has to become the adult. Set boundaries and expectations. Don't let mom or dad get away with their manipulation. Tell them what they are doing and that it is not acceptable. Seek a therapist or family member or school counselor for support and guidance. Don't do this alone, seek help. This is very very difficult emotional terrain, and an objective adult or family member is much needed support.
If you see a friend who appears off, lonely, low self-esteem and other signs of parental narcissism, talk to them. Guide them to a counselor. Talk to their parents. Do not confront the narc parent alone.
WE C U
Behind closed doors, we see you.